I must be doing something wrong. It’s hard enough catching the eye of some boy-toy but these Australian ladies seem to have caught the fancy of a horny kangaroo.

The ladies are complaining about being stalked by an obviously aroused male kangaroo hanging around a walking track at the Honeymoon Ranges of Tennant Creek in the Northern Territory, Australia.

One female resident was walking along the bike path when she was followed by the well-endowed, amorous kangaroo.

“I turned around and saw this big kangaroo behind me, so I hastened my steps. It seemed a bit odd, but I continued walking and didn’t think much about it. Then on the return walk he was there waiting for me. With his male pride on full alert, he started circling me. There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing.”

The woman said the obviously aroused animal bounded off when other walkers approached and she sought to escape.

Later that day a mother-of-three encountered the aroused kangaroo at a night-time speedway meeting, while a man said he challenged the intimidating macropod and came off second best, receiving a swift punch to the face in response.

Northern Territory police told Reuters they were not pursuing the salacious mammal unless it continued to cause trouble.

Technorati Tags: boy-toy, Australian, horny, Northern Territory

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I found this great article……..

Just when did you stop trying to impress your partner?  It seems inevitable in most relationships:  The longer you’ve been together, the bigger the panties get.

Early on, you may not wear any.  For some reason, men find this incredibly sexy.  Perhaps it’s their genetic laziness – the same gene that causes them to watch an infomercial after the game because they don’t know where the remote is and they sure as hell aren’t getting up to look for it.  The idea of reaching up your skirt and finding nothing standing between them and your sweet spot drives them insane.

After a short time, you spice it up with a sexy thong.  This turns him on, too.  Again… genetics.  Men are hunters, and he needs to explore your “nethers” finding where that little strip of material disappeared to.  We, as women, need to encourage this!  Thongs, g-strings, crotchless panties… They all do the trick to get your man to hunt and gather.

Then, a little more material comes into the picture and you start wearing teddies, babydolls, and camis.  This works wonders in the world of male genetics because men have always been fascinated with uncovering treasures.  Boys love “diggers”… bulldozers and the like.  Granted, probably not the gentlest of methods, but what do we care?  Rip those clothes off, baby!  They see something they like, know there’s something more to love underneath, and suddenly they’re on a mission to uncover the secrets of your world.

The step women take after this puzzles me.  At some point, women start buying these enormous cotton granny panties.  I hear excuse after excuse about how they’re “comfortable” or how there’s no reason to “bother” with thongs and such anymore.  WHAT???  Let’s think logically here.  ALL panties are gonna migrate up your ass at some point during the day, agreed?  That comfort stuff you spew is bullshit.  I’d much rather have a half-inch of fabric intentionally there than to be ducking around a corner to wiggle five inches worth of material out of my ass.

As for male genetics and granny panties?  We know men are lazy.  We’ve established that’s why minimal clothing is ideal.  While that excites them, granny panties have the opposite effect.  That much fabric reminds them of a blanket and they want nothing more than to roll over and go to sleep.

So use his genetics to your advantage.  Encourage him to explore and remind him there is one hell of a treasure to be unearthed!!!

Technorati Tags: relationships, sexy, sweet spot, Thongs, g-strings, crotchless panties

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2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt… A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4.. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it’s gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

Technorati Tags: women

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My name is Joe. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Bev. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.  I try not to make a scene.  I’m a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.  However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Joe

*EDITOR’S NOTE*

Joe died suddenly on January 27th of a perforated rectum.  The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Bev was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Joe somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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I don’t think I’ve ever met a man you had hardly any common sense. For you young studs out there looking to hook up with a mature older woman for the experience of a lifetime, here’s a few pointers to get your first date with your hot cougarheaded in the right direction:

• Trust me when I say she won’t be interested in the number of women you’ve slept with and  your ability to drink a 24 without falling down
• She won’t want to hear about your sorry love life. Keep the Ex’s out of the conversation.
• Unless your a sumo wrestler, don’t pig out on that first date. Try not to wipe the spaghetti sauce off your face with your sleeve. Keep those eating noises to a minimum please.
• Stay off that damn cell phone. Put it on mute if necessary.
• Check your attire – no holes, stains etc., and if you’re wearing running shoes find some that aren’t riddled with holes.
• For God’s sake use deordorant. You guys tend to take the term “macho” a little too far.
• You’re probably a little awkward and baffled why the hell she picked you, but if you respond to her conversation with one syllable answers, you’re going to find yourself left high and dry. A mature woman expects her man to be interested in her and be able to hold his own in a conversation
• Some things are on a “Need To Know” basis. Try to keep some of those traumatizing experiences in your past to a minimum. This is a “Get To Know You Date”.
• So you’ve had 8 glasses of wine over dinner and you don’t like the way the guy at the next table is looking at you. I know you’d like to stand up and show her just how “Macho” you really are,  but mature women don’t care to post bail on their first dates
• So she’s not what you expected and probably you’re not what she was hoping for either, so please remember to keep your roaming eye focused on your date. I know the chick at the next table is giving you the eye, but a little courtesy and good manners goes a long way.

These ten little dating tips for a younger man older woman relationship could apply to just about any dating senario.

Technorati Tags: older woman, cougar, younger man older woman

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• If you yelled for 8 years, 7  months and 6 days you would have  produced enough sound energy to
  heat one cup of coffee.
  (Hardly seems worth it.)
  
• If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas  is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
  (Now that’s more like it!) 
• The human heart creates enough  pressure when it pumps out to  the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
  (O.M.G.!) 
• A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
  (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) 
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
  (Creepy, but I’m still not over the pig) 
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
  (Don’t try this at home,maybe at work) 
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
  (“Honey, I’m home. What  the..?!”) 
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
  (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can  you imagine?) 
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
  (I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity) 
• Butterflies taste with their feet
  (Something I always wanted to know.) 
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
  (Hmmmmmm….) 
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
  (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) 
• Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
  (okay, so that would be a good thing) 
• A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
  (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) 
• An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
  ( Sounds like my ex-husband.) 
• Starfish have no brains
  (Ditto – ex-husband and a few people I know.) 
• Polar bears are left-handed.
  (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer) 
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
  (What about that pig??) 

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Q:  How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman’sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!

They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* lightbulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I’m sorry.

What was the question?

What’s funny now? A little humor goes a long way!

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The question is – Can you tell the difference between a celebrity that’s a cougar and one who’s not?

Check out this cute little cougar game and see if you can tell the difference….

Technorati Tags: cougars, celebrity

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These are some of the reasons why I hate Martha Stewart:

• she doesn’t order take out pizza and has ordered it only once.
• she doesn’t own a microwave
• she obviously owns too many gardening tools
• she makes her own Christmas gifts -”Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone” (What happened to picking up a little something at WalMart?)
• she says her most glamorous friends are “interested in stain removal, how
  to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel.” (My friends are interested in the corns on their feet, how to do away with the iron and finding a towel that’s not stained with hair dye.)
• she lets the world think she’s America’s No. 1 WASP (She’s actually Catholic and Polish)
• Martha attendedGoogle’s National Sales Conference recently and proceeded to have founders, Sergey Brin and Larry Page, to help her make a batch of Cherry Mojitos. (Is business down for Google that they need to bring in the Queen of Domesticity to entertain their troops?)
• she was named one of America’s 25 most influential people by Time magazine. (The quality of the list is in question since they once named Rosie O’Donnell)

As the great one once said herself:

You know, in China they say, ‘The thinner the chopsticks, the higher the social status.’ Of course, I got the thinnest I could find…..that’s why people hate me.

On second thought rather than slap her across her snooty little face, I’d like to give her a kick in the ass.

Technorati Tags: Martha Stewart, humor, Google, Cherry Mojitos, Time magazine

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Monday, 9:00 a.m.

Hi Loretta,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I’m serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle moulds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I’m wearing for breakfast. I’ll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I’ll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don’t stay too long — I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It’s a good thing.

Love,

Martha Stewart

P. S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold guaze. I soaked the guaze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Technorati Tags: humor, Martha Stewart

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