• You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
• That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog’s water bowl.
• On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
• You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
• The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you’ve left the bathroom.
• You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
• No matter “where” you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
• Twice this week you’ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
• Your underwear drawer has been neatly organized by type and color.
• You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
• You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

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These are some of the reasons why I hate Martha Stewart:

• she doesn’t order take out pizza and has ordered it only once.
• she doesn’t own a microwave
• she obviously owns too many gardening tools
• she makes her own Christmas gifts -”Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone” (What happened to picking up a little something at WalMart?)
• she says her most glamorous friends are “interested in stain removal, how
  to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel.” (My friends are interested in the corns on their feet, how to do away with the iron and finding a towel that’s not stained with hair dye.)
• she lets the world think she’s America’s No. 1 WASP (She’s actually Catholic and Polish)
• Martha attendedGoogle’s National Sales Conference recently and proceeded to have founders, Sergey Brin and Larry Page, to help her make a batch of Cherry Mojitos. (Is business down for Google that they need to bring in the Queen of Domesticity to entertain their troops?)
• she was named one of America’s 25 most influential people by Time magazine. (The quality of the list is in question since they once named Rosie O’Donnell)

As the great one once said herself:

You know, in China they say, ‘The thinner the chopsticks, the higher the social status.’ Of course, I got the thinnest I could find…..that’s why people hate me.

On second thought rather than slap her across her snooty little face, I’d like to give her a kick in the ass.

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Monday, 9:00 a.m.

Hi Loretta,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I’m serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: I didn’t have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle moulds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I’m wearing for breakfast. I’ll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I’ll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don’t stay too long — I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It’s a good thing.

Love,

Martha Stewart

P. S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold guaze. I soaked the guaze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

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• Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.

• Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.”

• Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.

• Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.

• Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.

• Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.

• Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.

• Berate domestic staffers while I still can.

• Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.

• Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.

• Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.

• Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.

• Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal’s probably cold in the morning.

• Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.

• Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.

• Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.

• Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!

• Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.

• Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.

• Ask Rosie how to say “I’m not interested” in Lesbianese.

• Remember… Outside: “And that’s a GOOD thing!” Inside: “Shit be da bomb, yo!”

• Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.

• Roll around in a huge friggin’ pile of money one last time before going off to jail.

• Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.

• Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.

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